Do you feel, "I HATE MY TEEN!", 4 lessons and 3 solutions!

#“I hate you”, what is your reaction when your teen shouts or mumbles this?

The first time I heard those words from my teen I was devastated, and quietly retreated into my room to cry, “How could he be so cruel?” I asked myself, “It’s not fair! I’m a great mom?” and I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. The crying was heartfelt, I realised that the tears weren’t for my son, or his words but for me! He was just verbalising what I’d been telling myself for so long!

And actually I didn’t like him much either!

These feelings perpetuated a cycle of conflict and self-flagellation: how could I think this? And all my beliefs of what mothers should be, all my mother’s beliefs and generations before her and the church. As each belief arose, I whipped myself with that imaginary whip, the blaming and shaming continued, until I was exhausted, and without a solution! Or so I thought……

.

I was in a dangerous irrational, extremely painful and vulnerable position, where I could reach for the alcohol or something else to stop the cycle and conflict within me. My prefrontal cortex, the higher functioning part of my brain was closed, the same part of the brain that’s wasn’t fully developed in my son! I had transformed into a teen!

The outcome was not looking good!

#The Lessons

1. The first most important lesson is, “don’t take it personally”. It’s a tumultuous time in a teen’s life and as a result the lives of everyone around them... they are trying to find their voices, their place in the world and in their world, dealing with social media, peer pressure, school work and many times bullying. The misunderstanding of self and others too. Oh and we forgot the hormones and biological changes within them. But most of all their vulnerability!

2. If you take it personally, take out your journal and discover what it is within you that has triggered this emotion. You’ll find that it’s beliefs from generations, family, society, the church; beliefs that you have taken as your own and as true.

3. Be aware of the dangerous cycle of blame and shame; the possibility of it becoming the cycle of addiction; alcohol, drugs, TV, mobile phone, eating, sex, anything you use to hide the pain.

4. Children learn what you do not what you say, My grandmother’s voice came to mind, when the sobbing eventually stopped, “what are you crying for? Do something about it!” best advice ever….

The Solutions

1. Breathe – this is indeed the breathe of life, stop and just breathe for a few seconds.

Do it now….

Can you feel the difference in the way you feel?

In the way your mind feels?

2. Walk way, walk away from the situation for 10 minutes.

This does three things: calms you down, the walk creates endorphins in your brain and this makes you happy, and it gives your perspective.

3. Walk back into the situation and find out what is really going on. Is your teen manipulating you to get what they want? Or is there something deeper? It’s possible that something is happening at school, bullying or peer pressure, which then can be addressed.

Most of us dread our children’s teen years, but what if you don’t?

What if you remember that you too where a teen?

What if you didn’t blindly buy into your beliefs?

The possibilities could be endless!

Remember you’re awesome

Carina

#IHateYou, #Teens #TeenRelationships #teenandmother #Solutions #Beliefs #Tantrums #SelfBelief #PeerPressure

If this resonated with you and you have your own story, let’s start a conversation!