Keeping Your Transgender Child Safe
- Janettee McCrary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 4 min read
Recently, a 12-year-old transgender girl in Achille, Oklahoma was targeted by ADULTS, including parents, after using the girls' restroom at school. Violent threats were made and some adults even encouraged her fellow students to harm her. This upsetting incident has had a ripple effect beyond the small town of Achille, with parents, transgender youth, the LGBT community at large, and community allies fluctuating between complete shock at how this could happen, to anger at the mistreatment of a child by adults, to sadness that this is still happening in 2018.
As parents, one of the worst things that can happen is for someone to be seeking to harm your child, especially from behind a computer, where you may not know their identity (and thus have an easier time protecting your child from them). So what can you do to protect your transgender child safe from attacks (both online and off)?
Tips To Parenting a Transgender Child
Accept your child for who they are. Their safety begins at home. If you are struggling with their identity, please seek out counseling with an affirming counselor. Transgender youth have a greater than average rate of suicide; acceptance is literally a life-or-death decision for your child. Learn how to deal with your feelings and/or those of unaffirming family and friends.
Don't "out" your child to anyone (except a counselor when seeking support for yourself) without their approval. It is a violation of their trust, and it can be dangerous for them.
DO NOT send your child anywhere to be "cured" of their identity. Not only are most of those programs ineffective, many have been proven to be not only abusive in the way they "cure", and several have been proven to be places where children are mentally, physically and/or sexually abused.
Help your child find a supportive community, especially with other transgender youth who will help them feel they "fit in".
When your child begins to be interested in transitioning, work with them to decide where and how they would like to do so. Do they only want to transition at home? With close friends and family? At school? Will they choose a new name?
Remember that the beginning of puberty can be a very turmoil-inducing time for a transgender child. Watch for any signs of intense distress or suicidal thoughts. Work with your child and their doctor to make decisions about medical transitions. Consider the use of puberty blockers while you make further decisions.
Helping A Transitioning Child Stay Safe
Before you do anything else, put together a Safe Folder to refer to while working with anyone who interacts with your child. You can find more information about what should go in them here. These are especially useful if child welfare is involved.
Work with your child's school, religious institutions, and community organizations they participate in to ensure they will affirm your child's identity and allow your child the same rights as other children of the gender they identify with, including how they dress, are treated, and locker room or restroom use.
If a school, religious institution, or community organization is not going to be affirming for your child, make the decision about how to handle it in advance of speaking with them. Will you pull your child? Fight the policies? Hire a lawyer to get policies or laws changed?
Help schools and other places your child spends a great deal of time, by going over your child's preferences and their policies in advance, if possible. If your child needs to use a specified bathroom just for them, ask to be shown that restroom before it's needed, for example.
Stay on guard for bullying. Be aware of your child's social media interactions, as bullying is now taking place via text or social media. Talk with their teachers and ask them to also keep an eye on your child.
Keep Your Child Physically Safe
If your child's story is known in the public, their safety is a very important concern, as we saw in Achille. Some tips for keeping your child safe from those who are trans-phobic include:
Ensure your home is physically secure ALWAYS. Make sure to double-check locks on your doors and gates, and remind family and visitors to do the same.
Consider investing in surveillance equipment, especially equipment that alerts you if someone is near your door or windows.
Security alarms may be a great way to give your family peace of mind as well. They may give you early warning of intruders and allow you time to escape or defend yourself and your child.
Be prepared for certain scenarios, such as vandalism or if someone were to attempt to harm your child. Know what to do.
Always be alert when out in public, and have your phone handy so you can call for help if needed.
If you receive threats or feel like you're in immediate danger of harm, contact your local law enforcement, as well as the Human Rights Campaign.
Keeping Your Family's Information Private
If your family's privacy has been exposed, you should do everything you can to regain your privacy. There are services, such as Privacy Duck, that help to remove any information on the internet that could compromise your family's safety.
Did we cover everything you want to know about keeping your child safe? Is there anything we need to add or correct? Please let us know!
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