The Great Peanut Butter Caper

When my son was three years old, he was going through this phase where he would only eat cereal and peanut butter. The doctor assured us that it would pass, and to just feed him whatever he would eat. So I made him a sandwich of it, gave him some juice and dry Cheerios, and sat him in front of Finding Nemo for the millionth time.

My husband and I were playing an online game in the office, just off the living room, while A watched his movie… but suddenly, my mommy-senses started tingling and I looked around. A wasn’t in the living room, and the credits were rolling. The apartment was too silent. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I just knew something was wrong.

Only later, too late, would I realize that it was the smell that triggered this sense.

I called out to A. “Hey buddy, where are you?”

“In the bathroom!” came his reply. My husband looked up from his game, concerned.

I got excited. Maybe he was trying to go potty! I paused and called back to him, “Whatcha doin’ in there?”

Pause. Then, he called back, “Cleaning.”

Oh, that just can’t be good, and I know it. Last time this happened, he’d dumped four pounds of baking soda on the bathroom floor to “make sandcastles”. I went into the bathroom, which had been recently remodeled in white tile with charcoal gray grout.

Everything… everything was covered in creamy peanut butter. The floor, the vanity and sink, the tub, the walls and toilet… and my naked child, who was wrapped in the towel he was using to try and clean the floor.

I stood there, stunned. The mess of it … and the smell. The completely empty jar of Jif rolled lazily on the bathroom floor. Just as I took a deep breath, my husband appeared behind me. I turned and saw his face, as dazed as I felt.

“You should see the couch,” he whispered, eyes wide.

We threw rock/paper/scissors and I lost. I ended up with the bathroom and the child. As I was scraping peanut butter off every bathroom surface under three feet tall, A was in the bathtub. Finally, I asked him why he did it.

“It felt good, Momma!”

I had to laugh.

Look, there are going to be moments with your kids when you honestly wonder if demons inhabit their little bodies, designing moments like this to test your tenuous grip on sanity and reality. At those moments, remember to laugh. It’s okay to laugh. Not every moment has to be a teaching moment, and while we all lose our cool sometimes, we can reduce those times if we allow ourselves to see the ridiculousness of what’s happening. Ask yourself if this will ever be a funny story to tell your friends… if so, it’s funny now too! So go ahead and laugh instead of yelling. Save your sanity.

Kacie Haven,

Guest Writer

Kacie Haven is a polyamorous mother, writer, worker, and social justice advocate who is determined to normalize parenting within the framework of social justice. In her free time, she reads, writes, spends time with her loved ones and loves music, sewing/crafting and laughing.

Kacie can be reached regarding her writing services via her Simbi profile.