Raising Nonviolent Children

Almost all parents know the horror of the biting or hitting phase of a #toddler. Remember the uncomfortable play date, sitting watching the kids, waiting, hoping that your child is not the one to cause harm to another? Luckily for most those short lived phases end. However, for some of us that was barely the beginning of our discomfort and concern.

It becomes undeniable our child’s tantrums are abnormal and more intense, especially when our small children give us bruises and injuries. There can be destructive behavior, self harm or even accidental or intentional harm done to small animals. Some children continue to become increasingly violent and families end up isolating and living in fear over the lack of control over their child’s behavior.

There are parenting experts, therapists, psychologists and a plethora of other professionals who know where we have failed and what we need to do to fix our children, and if you’ve found something that works for your family, great. If you have not – or haven’t found anything that feels right yet – then maybe you will find hope here. This article is for those that empathize with the parents of those that make news headlines and fear for the future of their own child.

My background, training and experience is in #selfdefense and #childrenssafety, and I made it my priority to ensure my special needs daughter is very unlikely to become the victim or source of violence. I put my energy and effort where it has the greatest amount of return because she has special and endless needs. It’s my passion to ensure others have the tools for raising #nonviolent children, too. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

Start with your trusted pediatrician and ask for recommended specialists. Get a diagnosis. Ask if it’s appropriate to see a psychiatrist. Find qualified therapists, one for your child and another for you (work through your own triggers). Qualify doctors, specialists, therapists, and coaches – not every professional will be of real help.

Assess your lifestyle. Pick the right school or consider #homeschooling. Get an #iep or #504plan and include therapies that can be done onsite. Find a dietician for an appropriate diet. Stick to a rhythm and predictable routine. Set #screentimelimits. Join groups and clubs that your child expresses an interest. Consider #naturalremedies for symptoms.

Have a plan for you and your family to stay safe. Accept your child’s feelings but direct their behavior. Consider using a “time-in” instead of a “time-out”. Learn safe and appropriate restraints. Make an effort to predict and prevent outbursts and provide alternative outlets. When you are afraid of your child reassure them you know they are kind, caring and gentle.

Try #respectfulparenting. Listen to your child. Model the behavior you want them to have. Decide firm boundaries and say "no" while still saying "yes" as much as possible. Model unconditional love. Point out your child’s strengths and redirect them when misused. Allow your child to experience #naturalconsequences.

Do not let the things you cannot do keep you from doing the things you can. Maybe your insurance doesn’t cover the care you need, but you can still focus on learning #peacefulparenting techniques. You can share #danielthetiger with your child to learn #emotionalregulation, and you can learn your child’s #lovelanguage and make it a priority to keep their tank full.

As parents, we can help our children become as fulfilled, flexible, hopeful, positive, and responsible as possible. And their best is enough. If we can help them to experience and process emotions, know their strengths and accept struggles, work in groups and maintain reasonable expectations, #setboundaries and resolve conflict, and have healthy relationships with others – there will be no need to use violence as a tool for getting attention or needs met.

Knowledge is power – as long as we have the courage to continue to push forward. It’s appropriate to feel helpless at times, but we are not hopeless. We are chosen guardians to these special children because deep inside us is the power to help these little people become the best (and safest) versions of themselves possible. And in doing so, we become the best versions of ourselves, too.