Honoring All Fathers This Father's Day

It's very clear that fathers have an important role to play in children's lives. They contribute to children's development and their self-esteem. Daughters will base their decisions about potential partners on their father's interactions with them and basic character, as well as how their father treats their mother. Sons tend to be the same kinds of fathers as their fathers were to them, unless they make a conscious decision to change cycles of abuse or neglect. So a day was created to honor their contributions to their children's well-being. Below find some ways to honor fathers in all kinds of family situations.

Fathers Living At Home

When fathers live with their children, it's easy to get lost in the chaos of life and take them for granted sometimes. The best surprise for a dad (or two dads) living with their family, is to put extra thought into gifts or experiences to honor them. Instead of a tie, maybe dad would prefer to go play paintball with his kids. Or maybe instead of a meal out, he'd prefer to take a hike with the family. The key is to not do what's "easy" or traditional, but to use his likes and wishes to craft something special for him (or them in cases of two fathers).

Fathers Not Living At Home

Fathers who don't live with their children, no matter the reason, often have to work extremely hard to have a relationship with their children. Often the situation isn't anyone's "fault" (far away jobs, military service, etc), but it's still something both the father and the children (and the parent at home, if they're still in a relationship) have to live with and find peace with. So make extra sure to show these fathers that their sacrifices haven't gone unnoticed.

Fathers Not In Contact

This is a really tough situation. While it's easy to just say "he's not in our lives so doesn't deserve consideration", it's very important to keep in mind that little eyes are watching and little ears are hearing. Children tend to internalize everything they hear about an absent parent, as they are not able to imagine them in any other way. What you say about them, good or bad, they tend to think about themselves. If he was a "lazy no-good bum" they will think they are too. So resist the urge to talk badly about him for sure. It's also a good idea to check in with your child(ren) to see how they're feeling about Father's Day as it comes up and/or if they want to celebrate it, perhaps with their Grandfather, Uncle, or other father figures active in their life, or if they just want to try to have a calm and quiet day with few reminders.

Deceased Fathers

Sadly, there are many children whose fathers have passed away. The most important thing to do for these children, especially on the first Father's Day following their death, is connect with how your child is feeling. They may or may not be up for being in public, with children and their fathers all around them, on this day. It may be important to use this day to instead honor their father by visiting their grave, or watching home movies or looking through photos... Or your child may be ready for honoring other father figures in their life on this day. Of course there should always be the option of honoring their father too.

Stepfathers

Many families are now blended families, so there are lots of stepfathers in the picture. If their biological father is still in their lives, they should of course spend the day with them, but they may wish to celebrate on another day or during part of the day with their stepfather, who is also important in their lives. Not all children will think of this on their own, and some may be reluctant, but it should be suggested and encouraged to at least give them a card or take them out to eat. Some stepfathers may be more like fathers than their own fathers, particularly if the biological father is not around or is deceased. Children may struggle with feelings of guilt or sadness around this situation, so it's important to note their feelings and take them into consideration when making plans for the day.

Foster Fathers

Unfortunately, children sometimes end up in foster care. They may or may not have their biological father in their life, and it's not always possible for visits to occur on Father's Day. This will likely be an extremely hard day for foster children. It's often hard to take their feelings into consideration, as you may have several foster children, all with varying feelings about the day and different wishes about celebrating or not celebrating. Sometimes the best you can do is just talk with them and acknowledge their feelings even if you can't follow their wishes for the day. Be prepared for emotions to be high and the potential for meltdowns, and try to address them with love and understanding, even if it's embarrassing or hard to deal with.  Try to encourage them to create something for their birth father if they are still in contact. If they have a difficult relationship with their father, they may not want to honor them, and that's okay too. Just be there for them to get them through what will likely be a rough, sad day for them.

No Legal Father

With technological advances, it is now possible for women to get pregnant without men in their lives, so women may go into parenthood single, or perhaps there are two women raising a child together. In these situations, most children may feel like it's a normal part of their life, but they may also feel sad, like they are "missing out" when seeing other children with their fathers, especially on this day. Once again, the best way to determine plans for the day is to ask their feelings about it. They may choose to honor their mother (or mothers) instead, or they may choose to honor a male relative or other father figure. Or they may decide there's no reason at all to participate in the day.

Father Figures

Every child has at least one male role model in their life. On Father's Day, some children may choose to honor them instead of their father, especially if their father is unavailable. If at all possible, this should be encouraged. It is important for children to attach to a male father figure when a biological father is not available. Or they may want to honor both, which is okay too.

So no matter your family's makeup, there's a way your child can honor the great fathers in their life. Or, they can choose not to participate, and that's okay too.